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EPS 42. Helping Your Child Handle Big Emotions When You're Burned Out: Mindfulness for Kids
- Christi Gmyr Coaching
- 7 days ago
- 33 min read
When you're already near your breaking point, your child's meltdown can feel like the last straw. You want to respond calmly. You want to be patient. You want to help them navigate their big emotions in a healthy way. But when you're burned out yourself it can be really, really hard.
In today's episode of Overcaffeinated and Out of Effs I'm joined by Lindsay Miller, founder of Kids Mindfulness Coaching, to talk about how we can support our kids' anxiety, anger, stress and other big feelings without adding more pressure to already overwhelmed moms. We dive into simple, practical mindfulness tools that help kids build emotional intelligence, resilience and self-awareness and will help moms feel more confident and connected in the process.
In this episode we talk about:
Why kids often fall apart more with their moms than anyone else
How to tell the difference between misbehavior and emotional overwhelm
How burnout impacts the way we respond to our kids
Why mindfulness is a helpful tool, not just for us as adults, but our kids too
Simple mindfulness analogies to help kids process big feelings like anxiety, anger, fear and stress
Easy mindfulness habits that make a noticeable difference at home
Ways parents can support their child's emotions when they're already overwhelmed themselves
Find Lindsay at:
[00:04] Christi Gmyr: Welcome to Overcaffeinated and Out of Effs, the podcast for burned out, career-minded moms who are ready to stop pretending everything's fine and feel like themselves again.
[00:15] I'm your host, Christi Gmyr, burnout coach for moms, licensed therapist and mom of two. And I'm here to help you reclaim your energy, your identity, and your peace of mind.
[00:25] Whether you're lying awake thinking about the 87 things you didn't get done or silently resenting the people you love most,
[00:32] This is your space to feel seen, supported, and not so alone.
[00:36] So grab your coffee, hot, cold or day old, and let's get into it.
[00:47] Hey, everybody, it's Christi.
[00:49] Welcome to Overcaffeinated and Out of Effs.
[00:53] In today's episode, I'd like to welcome our guest, Lindsay Miller.
[00:57] Lindsay is a Stress Recovery and Resilience Coach.
[01:01] About three years ago, she founded Kids Mindfulness Coaching.
[01:05] Kids Mindfulness Coaching is all about building emotional intelligence skills like empathy, self awareness, resilience, and problem solving.
[01:12] Parents and caregivers can coach their kids in mindfulness using everyday stories and easy to understand analogies like the Thought river and the empathy Flashlight. When families practice mindfulness at home, they deepen relationships and increase calm and confidence.
[01:28] So I've invited Lindsay here today to talk about mindfulness specifically. We're really gonna focus on kids and families and how it can be such a beneficial tool for them.[01:41] The work that a lot of you know, that I really do is focused on moms. And so I'm very excited to have Lindsay here today because she has expertise and really can speak more to how mindfulness can help kids themselves and how we can and how that then helps the moms in turn.
[02:00] Because let's be honest, it's all tied together. And when our kids are more emotionally regulated, our own stress levels are less as well.
[02:07] So, Lindsay, thank you so much for being here today.
[02:11] Lindsay Miller: Christi, thanks so much for having me. I'm excited to connect and I'm excited to share. Yeah. How we can use mindfulness to hopefully lower everybody's stress levels, Right?
[02:18] Christi Gmyr: Yes, absolutely. I'm excited too. So can you maybe just start by telling us a little bit about yourself and how you got into this work?
[02:27] Lindsay Miller: Yes, definitely. So there are a couple of moments in my life where I was kind of at the extreme end of burnout, and those are the places where mindfulness served me the most.
[02:38] I'll just share them briefly. So my husband and I navigated infertility for about eight years before having our daughter.
[02:45] And in the process of, you know, figuring out how to get her here. We had so many moments where we were just stretched thin and I felt like as I was working at the time, I'm trying to take calls, you know, from my doctor, I'm running out to my car in the middle of the day.
[02:59] And it just was so much to manage all at once, you know, and we're, we're still trying to be married and figure out how to live our life and make big decisions about jobs and houses and all of those things.
[03:10] And I just realized I didn't have the tools that I needed. And so I was able to access mindfulness through my therapist at that time. And she really helped me put the tools in place to, to have better thought management,
[03:22] notice my emotions, you know, connect with what was going on with my body.[03:26] Fast forward a couple of years. I've got a toddler, we're trying in in vitro again and it didn't work that time. We, we ended up having a miscarriage and I was devastated.[03:36] So I'd gone through this process now two times. I thought everything was great. The second time we found out that it wasn't. And it just took me to a really tough place because I had this toddler I needed to chase around.
[03:47] I was trying to,
[03:49] you know, like business endeavors. I was working with my sister on her startup and I didn't again have what I needed in those moments.
[03:56] So again I took the mindfulness and then I, I needed though to apply it to like tiny children who were experiencing big things at the time. Right. So I needed it for myself and for my daughter because I needed the skills to get me through all the things I was navigating.
[04:12] But then I also had to figure out a way to Translate it into 3 year old language to give her the skills and tools she needed too,
[04:19] you know. And then as a result of that experience, I also experienced like a pretty significant flare with my autoimmune condition.
[04:27] So then add to this, like me recognizing that I have a body that has to get taken care of. It's not just like a brain walking around on legs.
[04:35] So the burnout was, was significant at that time in my life. And so I was having to explain what was going on both to myself and then to her. And the process of finding words to do that in three year old language really changed me.
[04:51] Anyway, fast forward a few more years and I had a friend who was like, can you teach my kid how to do that too?
[04:57] Which led to another friend, which led to another friend, which led to Another friend, which led to the stress nanny. And now I teach kids around the world how to like process big emotions, navigate stressful situations or just everyday moments using mindfulness, because it makes such a big difference.
[05:12] Christi Gmyr: Yeah, no, absolutely. And thank you for sharing all of that. And you know, a lot of times when I think about, or when I talk about mindfulness, again, it's really directed more towards the adults, you know, but, but I do think that it's so important that you know, that adults,
[05:27] the parents, are able to have the tools to teach their kids as well. Because again, when,
[05:33] you know, we're, it all affects everything, right. When, when our kids are doing better, we're doing better and vice versa. Versa. And so,
[05:40] but I just don't know how often moms are necessarily thinking about this. Not necessarily for themselves, but again, for their kids. And so I'm curious, you know, why would you say,
[05:52] why do you think mindfulness is such a helpful tool specifically, you know, for our kids?
[05:58] Lindsay Miller: Yeah, it's such a good question. And one of the things that I have thought about in so many instances is what would my life have been like if I'd had these skills earlier
.[06:10] Christi Gmyr: Right.
[06:10] Lindsay Miller: And that's where, you know, so many of the things we learn as we're navigating burnout, right. As we're navigating really stressful situations, we find ourselves, there's a gap between what we need and what we currently have.
[06:20] And we've got to figure out how to fill the gap. Right.
[06:23] Whether it's with self care tools, whether it's with coaching or therapy, whether, you know, whatever it is, we have to figure out how to, how to build the skill set we need in that moment.
[06:34] And so I think that we can anticipate there are going to be challenging things in our lives. We can anticipate moments when things aren't going to go according to plan and we can anticipate that life is going to invite us to really big emotions.
[06:46] So knowing all of those things, it only makes sense that we just start to build that toolkit early because we know we're going to use it.
[06:53] Christi Gmyr: Right.
[06:53] Lindsay Miller: Those aren't tools that are just going to sit around unused. Those are tools that we're going to pull out every single day.
[06:59] And so if we,
[07:00] and, and a lot of parents end up thinking like, oh, that's something they can learn when they're older or they'll figure that out when they're an adult and, and they can, right?
[07:08] But there are so many ways, as you alluded to in the beginning of our conversation, that it can make life easier as they're growing up. That it's like, why not, why not teach it early and just build a life from that foundation?
[07:20] And you're gonna need other skills you're gonna need to add to your toolbox. But if you can start from there, imagine where you know what you can do with.
[07:28] Christi Gmyr: Yeah, no, absolutely. And I mean, and to your point, I mean, people can learn these skills at any time, but when we teach them to our kids, I mean, it, it helps us, it helps them, it helps everybody
.[07:38] But also to your point, like, the earlier you get started with it, the better you are probably going to do with it. And you know, it just be. Starts to feel more natural and just, it's easier with, with most things that we learn.
[07:51] With most skills, the earlier we start, usually the better we do with them.
[07:55] So one of the things that I know you've talked about is how you,
[07:59] you help parents and you help kids practice the three keys of mindfulness. So you talk about figure out what's going on inside you, figure out what's going on outside you, and make a choice on purpose.
[08:13] And for a lot of people, I know a lot of people have, you know, heard the term mindfulness, but don't necessarily know exactly what it is. And so I'm wondering if you can just elaborate on those things a little bit for us.
[08:25] Lindsay Miller: Yeah, definitely. I'll share a quick story for context. I, for a while, trained meditation teachers. I still have an online, you know, section of that course where it's the teachings that I have.
[08:37] But those meditation teachers would come in and a lot of times they were practicing meditation, but maybe not translating the way meditation made its way into everyday life.
[08:47] So we got really granular and talked about, okay, what is like, mindfulness is meditation in action. Like the meditation practice is what acquaints you with a sense of calm or steadiness.
[08:57] But mindfulness is like what that looks like in everyday life when things are chaotic and crazy around you, right?
[09:03] And so if we think about mindfulness as what's going on inside of us, it's that self awareness, right? It's that,
[09:09] it's knowing how our emotions are doing at that time, how our body is doing,[09:13] like how our mind is doing. Are we feeling sluggish, our thoughts racing, those kind of things. Because all of those things are gonna impact the present moment, right?[09:21] And initially that's a lot to figure out. So we just start there,
what's going on inside of me right now.
[09:27] And then Once we start to get a better read of those things and we can kind of quickly make an assessment. And there's a part of our brain that does that and we practice using that part of our brain.
[09:36] And it gets quicker. Once we do that, we notice like, okay, what is the context that I'm in currently? Like, what are the relationships that I'm in in this moment?
[09:44] Like, is it a kid in front of me? Is it a coworker? Is it a partner, you know, who, who is impacted or whose influence is a part of this moment?
[09:53] And then from there we take all of that information and then we make a choice about what to do with the awareness that we have. And a lot of times we're just responding from a place of reactivity, right?
[10:02] We feel something, we're frustrated, and we just respond from that frustration.[10:06] Or we, you know, we're really exhausted and we respond from that. And it's normal, it's human for us to do that.
[10:12] What mindfulness offers us is an invitation to just take a tiny pause,[10:18] bring in all that information,
[10:19] filter it a little bit,
[10:21] and then just choose what to do with it. So maybe you do still have a stern response for a kiddo who, you know, has just hit his sister.
[10:28] But maybe you also,
[10:30] you know, say, hey, I understand you're tired. I know you had a long day.
[10:35] It's not okay to take it out on your sister. I'm going to need you to, you know, be on your own for a minute till you can reset and join us.
[10:43] But we, we have empathy in the moment instead of maybe just the reactivity. Right? And that empathy makes all the difference, especially when it comes to our interactions with kids.
[10:52] So, I mean, with a coworker situation, it might be, you know, we've got a project due,
[10:56] We've just got a call that our kid is sick and needs to get picked up. We've been up all night working on the project, so we're already spent. So we filter all that information at, you know, in that moment when it hits.
[11:08] And then we just take a deep breath,
[11:10] give ourselves some grace,
[11:13] and then respond from that place of self compassion. So we, we don't allow ourselves. Well, we, we might have the thoughts about how awful we are or how we waited to the last minute, or we, you know, we can't believe we put ourselves in this situation again or whatever.
[11:25] The thoughts that are coming in that moment, we accept them and acknowledge them.
[11:29] I think we're going to talk about this a bit later, but the thought river is something that I teach a lot where we're like, okay, those thoughts are there. We're going to acknowledge them and let them float down the river.
[11:37] And we are not going to pull them out of the river and take them into whatever response we make.
[11:42] But when we can filter that stuff, right? When we can filter that stuff and then choose how to respond, it's just a completely different situation for ourselves, which is oftentimes filled with much more self compassion than we might otherwise give ourselves.
[11:59] Christi Gmyr: Well, yeah, and you were talking a minute ago too about, you know, a lot of times people are maybe more reactive to certain behaviors and things like that. And I, I'm also thinking about, you know,
[12:12] I think a lot of parents recognize, or at least a lot of parents have heard, that when kids do misbehave, when they do have a certain behavior,[12:20] it's typically because there is a need that's not being met.
[12:23] Lindsay Miller: Right.
[12:23] Christi Gmyr: But a lot of times I think parents forget about that and they think about just the quote, unquote, like misbehavior. And so how,
[12:31] how would you recommend, like, how can parents tell, like, when a child's behavior is actually related to,
[12:38] you know, a need that's not being met or like anxiety or stress or sensory overload and. Sensory overload and any of those kinds of things versus misbehavior?
[12:47] Lindsay Miller: Yeah, it's such a great question.
[12:49] One of the things that I look for, you know, the parents that I work with, a lot of times they'll see it consistently.
[12:55] So the behavior will show up at home every day after school,
[12:59] you know, or the behavior will show up right before leaving for school and they're just feeling like so nervous about the day.
[13:05] Right.
[13:05] And it's consistent over time.
[13:08] Those are signs that maybe we're hitting a developmental hurdle that, you know, we need a little bit of support to address or a few more tools to help us navigate.
[13:16] And kids have developmental hurdles all the time. Right. So it's easy as parents, especially when it comes to emotional development, if we lose our temper, if we don't feel like these are skills that we practice very much, it's so easy to go straight to blaming ourselves.
[13:29] Um,
[13:30] and that makes it, I think, even harder to kind of maybe recognize the need for help because we are kind of just spiraling in our own guilt about it. And then we don't recognize, like, hey, this is actually like a combination of factors that are influencing my kid.
[13:43] They just need a little bit of help in this, you know, season of life.
[13:47] Um, I also think again, if it's a response that's in excess of what you would expect for that moment. And I know we have some kids who just have that response as their go to.
[13:57] Right? So for those kids, for the. For those kiddos, emotional regulation tools also just help in general for everyday regulation.
[14:06] But if you have a kid who,
[14:07] you know, they're after the soccer game and they've had enough sleep, right? They've had food, you know,
[14:13] contextually, all the other things are in place, but they're just having this really, really strong response to losing the game.
[14:20] Then, like, maybe there's something else there, or a strong response about what their teammate said when they missed a play or something like that. Like, those are the moments when you're like, okay, there's another emotion here that's maybe being kind of tapped into in this moment, and it's coming up.
[14:37] And so those are the times that you can explore with the kiddo. Usually it's not in that moment when they're dysregulated, right? You wait until they're a little bit more settled and say, hey,
[14:46] I noticed that the.
[14:48] The outcome of the game or something someone said to you really had a big impact. Tell me more about that.
[14:54] You know, and then maybe it's like this kid is always, you know, kind of getting on their case at practice, or maybe this kid has been, you know, the star player, and your kid is feeling a little bit less confident or, you know, whatever it is.
[15:06] But if we can, in a moment that's calm, give them the space to work through some of the big emotion that came up,
[15:13] then oftentimes we connect with, like you're saying, the larger stress. Stressor that's maybe like underneath. If that's just the tip of the iceberg.
[15:22] Christi Gmyr: Yeah, no, absolutely. And a minute ago, you know, one of the things that you had said is that a lot of times we tend to blame ourselves, you know, which can be something that I know a lot of moms struggle with.
[15:33] And to your point, you had mentioned, you know, feelings of guilt. And I imagine part of that has to do with.
[15:40] Because kids are not always going to respond the same way with everybody. They're going to have different reactions, different responses based, like, on who is actually around them. And so why do you think.
[15:51] Why is it that kids do tend to fall apart more with their moms than with anybody else?
[15:57] Lindsay Miller: Yeah, it's such a good point. I mean, it's the safe space, right?
[16:01] Like, it's. You know, one of my clients the other day, she was just talking about how her son had had an injury and he's been out for a while. It took longer than expected to heal.
[16:10] And he's an athlete. And she's just said he's having a really rough go and he's keeping it together at school. He's managing okay. He's keeping his friendships intact. But with me, he is so angry and frustrated and I'm getting the brunt of all of like his angst.[16:25] Cause that's where it's coming out is when he gets home.
[16:27] And so it is, right? It's the safe space. And when our nervous system feels safe, that's when the emotions can come up. And so,
[16:34] yeah, knowing that you have the ability to help your child co regulate to an extent is helpful. But then also recognizing that because you are the safe space,
[16:46] you are going to get a lot of the excess that they're holding in. You know, it's a way to help us be a little more patient with ourselves and say, like, my kid isn't actually acting like this anywhere else.
[16:56] Right. It's just with me and so reframing too, because I'm safe, not because my, you know,
[17:02] because my kid is nuts or because my kid is out of control or, you know, that that's why.
[17:06] Christi Gmyr: Or because I did something wrong. Yeah, yeah, exactly.
[17:09] Yeah.
[17:10] Okay, well, so I would love it if we could maybe spend a little bit of time talking more about some of these mindfulness strategies, what they actually look like. How can we help moms to help their kids,
[17:22] you know, so you teach mindfulness with simple analogies. You mentioned a few minutes ago, you very quickly talked about the thought river. You've also mentioned the empathy Flashlight. I'm wondering if you can explain either one of those a little bit more.[17:36] Lindsay Miller: Yeah, definitely.
[17:38] So with the stories and simple analogies, I find that it's an easy way to bring mindfulness into everyday moments. So instead of us having like
a small lecture about mindfulness in the middle of a tough moment,
[17:51] or we're saying things in our house, like, let's let that float down our thought river so that that will make more sense as I explain the tool.
[17:57] But just recognize that this isn't another thing for you to do as much as it's kind of just like a shortcut to a mindful reminder in a simple way that kids can connect with in any type of moment.
[18:11] And so the thought river, the idea is that all of us have this river of thoughts going through our heads and whatever's up river, whether it's the stuff on social media Whether it's our workday, the stuff we've been reading, our self, you know, thoughts about ourselves,
[18:25] those things are all in our thought river. And sometimes our brain will throw random thoughts into the river that we don't even know where that one came from, right?[18:32] So those thoughts are all flowing through our heads at any given moment throughout the day. Most of the time, we're unaware of most of the contents of the thought river.
[18:41] Um, and what we can do as we start to bring awareness to what's going through our heads, is choose which thoughts we're gonna pull out of the river and believe, take with us, act on, and choose which thoughts we're gonna let go.
[18:53] So when most people start using this tool, they find that their thought river is chock full of thoughts about how awful they are, how they're not measuring up, how they're not doing much right,
[19:03] how they're not getting as much done as they wanted to. For kids, it's how they don't have any friends.
[19:08] Excuse me. Or how they are an awful person,
[19:13] how nobody likes them, how life isn't fair. So those things are constantly in their river.
[19:19] And as we help them bring awareness to those thoughts and then choose to let them go,
[19:25] they also become aware of, like, all these other thoughts that are in the river that are actually, really encouraging thoughts. And actually thoughts that help them, you know, feel more confident or recognize and acknowledge friendships and think about what a good friend they are.
[19:37] And those thoughts are ones we can kind of wade into the river and take out and, you know, put in our backpack and take with. Take with us throughout the day.
[19:45] But a lot of us, what either happens is we're kind of drowning in the river, and we just are at the mercy of whatever thoughts are coming by.
[19:53] Mostly the ones that are, like, whacking us and we're drowning in them,
[19:57] not helping us out.
[19:59] And then we. We end up taking those with us, or we just are at their mercy and just keeping our head above water.
[20:05] But when we become aware that we can monitor, what we do is we kind of step out of the river. So. So we realize the river is not super deep.
[20:12] We can stand up,[20:14] step out, go sit on a rock on the side of the river, watch the thoughts go by, and then choose which ones we want to believe, choose which ones resonate with us, and then act on those.
[20:23] And it makes a big difference because we aren't at the mercy of our thoughts anymore, and instead we're in a more proactive relationship with them. And what this looks like In a day to day situation, like with a kiddo.
[20:35] So if my daughter comes home from school and talks about how she didn't do as well as she wanted to on her 2K today,
[20:42] she's a rower,
[20:43] she didn't do as well as she wanted to. And the practice was really tough. And this just feels like a lot we can say, okay, which of those do you want to let float down your thought river?
[20:53] And she'll let them all go and then she'll be like. And also usually I have a rough workout every week, so maybe this was just a tougher workout or like all of my friends also had a tough time with this one.
[21:04] Like those thoughts are there too, right? We just get so enamored with the ones that are like beating us up that we don't see the other ones.
[21:11] Christi Gmyr: Yeah, yeah, no, absolutely.
[21:13] Well, and I love again, just this idea of the river and to your point, like, you can just sort of let some of them go. Because I do think that I, I completely agree with you.
[21:22] And I spent a lot of time talking about, you know, the thoughts that we have and how they affect us and things like that. But just having that picture, having that visual image, I imagine is really helpful, especially for kids to really understand,
[21:34] you know, what that actually looks like.
[21:37] Lindsay Miller: Yeah, a hundred percent. And you can draw it like on my Instagram, I have a little craft you can, you know, follow along and do. But when we can help kids really like identify what's in the river.
[21:46] So I'll, when I do this with kids, I'll have them make the river and we'll use different textures just to make it a more sensory experience. But you could use pen and paper, you know, whatever you want.
[21:55] And then we'll actually put thoughts in the river with post its and say like, which thoughts are in your thought river right now? And sometimes it's situational related to a certain moment.
[22:05] Other times it's just in general. And then we're like, okay, which ones are you gonna let go and which ones are you gonna take? And always we are, we're open to acknowledging.
[22:13] Right. It's not about ignoring the thought. It's not about trying to like push it away or not think that about yourself, because that usually just makes it stick more.
[22:21] It's like, yeah, it's in the river. Is it one you wanna take out? No. Okay, let's let it go. Which one are you gonna take?
[22:27] Christi Gmyr: Okay. I love that. And I have to, I have to say, I know I asked you a minute ago if you would mind,
[22:32] you know, just sharing one, one example or the other. But I'm really curious to hear more about the empathy flashlight too, now that you've also sort of alluded to that one as well.
[22:41] Do you mind talking about that one a little bit?
[22:43] Lindsay Miller: No, I'd be happy to. I love this one. So this works in a couple of different ways. So I'll explain the tool and then give you two different applications. So the idea for kids, I like to take a small finger light.
[22:55] So with the kids that I coach, I send them mail every week and it's like a small activity based learning that we do together on zoom. So with the flashlight, I send a little finger light cause kids love those and we say, okay, this is your empathy flashlight.
[23:09] Now we are going to turn our empathy flashlight on ourselves for a minute. So let's figure out what we're feeling in this situation.
[23:17] So giving ourselves empathy is not something that most of us are great at unless we work at it.
[23:22] So if it's a, if it's a argument with a sibling, we might say. They might say, okay, I was mad because she came into my room without asking and then she wouldn't leave.
[23:31] And then when she was leaving, she took my, you know, squishmallow.
[23:34] So. Okay, okay, so you were feeling angry about that. What else?
[23:38] I was feeling irritated and I was feeling impatient. Right. Because I didn't, I wanted her to go and she just was there and I just didn't, I didn't want her there.
[23:47] Like, okay, great, so you were feeling those things. Okay, let's take a minute and let's turn the empathy flashlight on your sister.
[23:54] What do you think your sister was feeling in that moment?
[23:57] So,
[23:58] Well, I don't know.
[23:59] Okay, well, let's think about it for a second. If you were your sister, like, what, was she bored? Was she,
[24:05] you know, was she like, just lonely? Was she trying to get on your nerves? What was going on?
[24:10] Well, maybe she's bored because she like plays with my dad a lot.
[24:14] So she always wants everyone to play with her. But I didn't want to play with her right then. Like, okay, that's okay. You don't have to want to play with her.
[24:20] But for her, she was probably bored or lonely. Okay, good to know.
[24:24] Um, what else? Well, she really loves that animal and sometimes when I let her use it, it's because she's scared or she's having a hard time.
[24:31] Okay, so that's good to know. So do you think maybe she was coming to get it because she Might have been scared about something.
[24:37] Well, maybe because it was right before bed, you know, or whatever it is. And so then you say, okay.
[24:43] Okay, good to know.
[24:45] So given that information,
[24:46] both of you are allowed to have all of those feelings. Right.
[24:49] Given that information and looking back, is there anything you might do differently? Looking at the situation with the empathy flashlight, and then usually because we're approaching the situation not in the height of emotion, we have answers like, well, I feel a little bad that I didn't let her take it if she was scared.
[25:06] Or I guess I could have just asked her to leave without getting so mad at her because maybe she just wanted somebody to play with her.
[25:14] Right. And kids are capable of really diving into these activities in a significant way if we give them the chance to do it, not when they. They're really activated by the emotion.
[25:24] Right.
[25:25] Christi Gmyr: Yeah.
[25:26] Lindsay Miller: And then this, the second application is for kids who tend to feel things really deeply.
[25:31] So some of the kids I work with, they're the kids who are just, like, taking on the emotions of everything and everyone around them. And I'm a person like that also.
[25:39] So I use this all the time. But we sometimes need to turn our empathy flashlight off and just, like, not have it on. Because when you have an empathy flashlight on all the time, guess what, the battery's burned out.
[25:50] Right. And so if we can say, okay, I have a ton of empathy, empathy, and in this moment, I just need to focus the flashlight on myself and what I need, because that empathy is starting to overwhelm me, or I'm feeling burnt out because I'm trying to address the needs of 57 people around me without really taking care of myself.
[26:07] That's another application of it that, like, surprisingly gets used quite a bit.
[26:14] Christi Gmyr: Yeah, yeah, no, absolutely. I love those. And I'm just. I'm imagining these things as I'm listening to you talk and how, like, what that would look like with these kids now.
[26:22] So with these tools. I mean, these both sound like fantastic tools. They also sound like things that you,
[26:27] you know, teach and you work with the kids on in your coaching sessions. I'm curious about the moms. Like, is there anything that the moms can do themselves?[26:36] You know, maybe quick mindfulness tools that they could do on their own with their kids today, or just even some small mindfulness habits that really make a big difference at home?
[26:45] Lindsay Miller: Yeah. Yeah. And one of the things that I like to do is share the tools. So every week on my coaching call, after my coaching calls, I send the parents a weekly update, and I Explain the tool that we used and how they can apply it at home.
[26:57] So one of the goals of my podcast, all of my work, is to make the tools accessible to moms at home, using everyday items. You know, could use a regular flashlight.
[27:05] You don't have to have a finger light.
[27:07] But these are just everyday things that we have as moms that we can just pull out and use to remind our kids. Like, hey,
[27:14] these are just simple skills that really help in a lot of different moments. So, yeah, one of the other ones I would say is helpful is the idea of flexibility.
[27:24] So we, like, have those little monkey noodles, those little flexibility noodles in our house, and we talk about how if you were going to be flexible in this moment, what would that look like?
[27:34] Um, and again, a lot of times, if our kids are super triggered and the fighting is already at,
[27:39] like, peak height, then we're not going to get the tool out right then. This is like, we assess what happened later with them in a calmer moment.
[27:48] But if they're still in the range of being able to reason or talk it through, you could bring it out then. But we get the flexibility and we say, okay, what is this?
[27:56] What is one way we could be flexible in this moment?
[27:59] So if you are wanting to sit in the passenger seat and your, you know, sibling already called shotgun,
[28:06] and it's becoming a big to do in the parking lot, and you're like, we just need to get to viola practice. Like, I just. We have to go then, like, using something like this, like, okay, what's some.
[28:17] What. How can we be flexible in this moment? Here's what's going on. You both want this seat.[28:20] What's the way we can be flexible?
[28:23] Or if we're at home and it's bedtime and we have some, like, contention over who's getting to go to bed at what times?
[28:30] Like, how can we be flexible? What can we do in this moment to have a little more flexibility?
[28:34] Cause a lot of mindfulness is taking the moment and then figuring out a creative way to approach it.
[28:38] So the idea of just using that flexibility noodle can just bring that reminder up and be like, oh, yeah, flexibility helps in a lot of different moments. What's a. What's an application here?
[28:48] Another one that I love is the red, red zone, green zone, and blue zone. So it's a better wind window of tolerance. Um, and this is a Dan Siegel concept, and he talks about how the green zone is where we're comfortable and, like, we have steadiness in our thoughts and in our Actions we can choose on purpose.
[29:06] We're curious.
[29:08] The red zone is if we're feeling really, really triggered by things like anger. Like, our energy is high, so we have anger, frustration, irritation,
[29:16] and we're kind of overwhelmed by the emotions such that it's guiding all of our behavior, and we're not really in control anymore. And the blue zone is like a withdrawn,[29:24] quiet,
[29:25] just not. Not engaging. So space.
[29:28] So in.
[29:29] So, for example, in friend interaction. So my daughter maybe comes home and talks about a friend interaction at school that day, and I say, okay,
[29:36] who that. That person was that person in their green zone. When they responded in that way,
[29:42] she's like, no, I think they were just, like, totally beyond and in their red zone. Okay, so if they weren't in their green zone, the things that they said, were they probably on purpose or just in a reactionary way?
[29:52] Probably. It was reactionary. Right. So then she can have a little bit more understanding of the situation in a way that makes.
[29:59] Makes it a little bit less spiky. You know, like when kids are coming home.
[30:04] When kids are coming home from school and had interactions that didn't go well, it can really color their whole afternoon. Right?
[30:09] Christi Gmyr: Yeah.
[30:10] Lindsay Miller: So if we can help them, give them some context. And that works in the home, when we're talking about sibling interactions, it works for their personal reactions to situations. Like,
[30:20] that wasn't a green zone moment for you. Like, you felt really nervous about going to that new dance class, huh? But you stretched and you were flexible, and you were able to figure out how to make it happen, and now it is in your green zone.
[30:30] You're comfortable at it, so you just grew in that moment. It's just a simple way you can help them conceptualize new experiences and then experiences that are kind of like, beyond the range of what you're looking for with them.
[30:41] Does that make sense?
[30:42] Christi Gmyr: Yeah. No, it does. And I feel like all of these things that you're talking about, I mean, these sound like such fantastic tools that I can just imagine how they would work so, so great with kids.
[30:50] You know, it sounds like a lot of these are really great with.
[30:54] When you're trying to help them work through specific situations, like as they come up. What about just in terms of building mindfulness into our daily routines? Because we know that when we do these kinds of things more regularly,
[31:06] we tend to get better at them, and then, you know, they just overall work better. So what are.
[31:10] Lindsay Miller: What are your thoughts about that?
[31:12] Christi Gmyr: And maybe some simple ways that families can. Can build it into their days.
[31:16] Lindsay Miller: Yeah, it's such a great question.
[31:18] So I like to have kids take a backpack breath.
[31:21] So when they put on their backpack in the morning, like, take a deep breath or two. Right. And the breathing, as you know, helps us take the nervous system into a place of calm.
[31:32] And the interesting thing is that when we practice calm when we're already calm, it's easier to find it later in the day. Right?
[31:39] So if when they're just starting their day,
[31:42] they just take a backpack breath. And whether they're walking to the bus, whether you're hopping in the car, whether they're walking into school,
[31:48] but, like, putting on their backpack is the trigger for taking a few deep breaths. It gives them the chance to just practice mindfulness at small intervals throughout the day and gives them the ability to, again, like, notice how they're feeling and use the breath intentionally.
[32:03] Because then in a moment when they need the breath, they already know it will bring them a sense of calm.
[32:09] That's one that I love. I also love like a rosebud thorn at dinner time or in the car on the way home when we're asking them to kind of give us the high of their day.
[32:20] That's the rose. The bud is something they're looking forward to, and the thorn is something challenging about their day. This just builds emotional regulation and normalizes emotions that are more uncomfortable.
[32:30] Right. Like, we. We. We want to be happy and excited and all the things all the time, which is great.
[32:36] But it's normal for us to have a rough day and have a rough experience or several or, you know, some in a row. And so this just makes it normal to bring up and talk.
[32:45] Talk through those things in a way that, like, everyone just can respect and honor.[32:49] Christi Gmyr: Like.
[32:50] Lindsay Miller: Oh, yeah, that was tough.
[32:51] Christi Gmyr: Yeah. Yeah. No, well, and one of the things that you just said a minute ago is that it's easier for us to help our kids in the, you know, with their, you know, get to the sense of calm when we are calm ourselves.
[33:01] Which,
[33:02] of course, is not always the case, you know, especially for the people who are listening, you know, are really having a lot of experiences where they are overwhelmed. Right.
[33:11] Lindsay Miller: And so.
[33:11] Christi Gmyr: And that can make it a lot harder. And a lot of times that is when people find themselves being more reactive is when they are, you know, overwhelmed. So I'm wondering, like, what are some suggestions that you have for ways that parents can continue to support their child's emotions when they themselves are already overwhelmed?
[33:30] Lindsay Miller: Yeah, it's such a good question. And I mean, I think it's the majority of Us who are, you know, like, would need the answer to that question. Right.
[33:38] And, and I think that the key thing that I like to point out with parents is that we teach self compassion by the way we respond to ourselves in those moments.
[33:49] So again, not to heighten any pressure around that moment for you, but what that means is the more we mess up, the,
the more opportunities we have to teach self compassion.
[33:58] Right?
[33:58] Christi Gmyr: Yeah.
[33:58] Lindsay Miller: And so if we beat ourselves up and we're like, I can't believe I did that again,
[34:03] like, I am the worst mom ever.
[34:04] This is like, I, I am never gonna be able to teach my kid these skills. We're like, oh, how human of me.
[34:12] That was so human of me.
[34:14] And we give when we can work through and then, you know, we can repair. We can always repair with our kids. I like to do redos in my house. So I acknowledge that I did not respond in the way that I wanted to.
[34:26] I, you know, get myself sorted first.
[34:28] But then I go back, I say, this is not an excuse.
[34:31] I did not respond the way that I wanted to. Can I, you know, can I redo that interaction and say what I would really like to say?
[34:38] And then, you know, with that awareness, I have, have a different kind of response.[34:43] But I think the key is to notice the guilt again, acknowledge it. We're not fighting it and we're not saying I shouldn't feel guilty. Right. Because that doesn't work Right either.[34:54] We're just saying, yeah,
[34:55] I feel guilty.
[34:57] It's really hard to take care of tiny humans.
[35:00] And there's a lot that goes on in a work day and in a family day and I can't control a lot of that, like you said earlier.
[35:07] So I am going to be patient with myself and do better and then maybe ask for forgiveness or a redo. But it's that normalizing of self compassion that goes such a long way with kids.
[35:18] And I think if we can just see it as an opportunity to teach them and give ourselves permission to be authentic in, you know, like, our response to a mistake,
[35:32] we can, we can give them such,
[35:35] such a great education and self compassion.
[35:38] Christi Gmyr: Yeah, no, absolutely. I love all of that.
[35:40] Well, and so I guess, you know, one of the things,
[35:43] you know, we're going to get back to the time where we'll probably want to start wrapping up in a few minutes. But, but I feel like I can just tell that you could talk about this for, for, for all day.
[35:52] You've got so much knowledge.
[35:53] Lindsay Miller: This is so great.
[35:54] Christi Gmyr: But before we do start to wrap up I'm thinking back to what you were talking about earlier with regards to, you know, the thought river and letting certain things go and hold, you know, holding onto other ones.
[36:03] So what do you feel like is one belief that you wish parents would let go of when it comes to their children's and emotional growth? And then on the flip side, what's maybe one belief that you wish they would embrace and start.
[36:15] Dad?
[36:16] Lindsay Miller: Yeah. Such a great question.
[36:18] Um, I think that in terms of letting go,
[36:22] I would want them to let go of the idea that at a certain age a child should be able to do a certain thing. And I know that might be a little bit counterintuitive, but what I'm really trying to get at is that kids have an emotional age that's sometimes different from their actual age.
[36:37] Right.
[36:38] And if we channel our expectations into, you know, what another kid did or what their peers can do or what,
[36:45] what, you know, our.
[36:47] We remember from our childhood at that age, we can really do ourselves a disservice because we don't take into account their unique situation.
[36:54] And like we were saying earlier, the context, right.
[36:57] The they're, you know, there's a myriad things that could be influencing their emotional development.
[37:03] And so while we want it to be progressing, we can also be patient with how it looks for that specific child.
[37:10] And if we need to call in support, we call in support. If we need access other resources, we find those. Right. But don't beat yourself up because your kid isn't at a certain place.
[37:20] Just grow, grow from where you are,
[37:22] you know, and that's. I think that that belief is one that I wish we could all adopt
[37:28] Christi Gmyr: a little bit more.
[37:28] Lindsay Miller: Is that growth mindset, right? Like acknowledging where you're at and then just taking the steps you need to grow from there.
[37:35] Recognizing that we have the chance to change, we have the chance to promote growth for them in really significant ways if we just take those steps. Small little opportunities throughout the day to do that.
[37:44] Christi Gmyr: Yeah, it makes me think about, you know, one time, many, many years ago, I remember I was doing this training on, you know, behavioral management for children. It's such an old program that I was watching.
[37:55] And the psychologist who was teaching it, one of the things that he said, one of the biggest mistakes that so many parents make is they think of their kids and they treat their kids like mini adults and they basically talk to them the same way and they have the same experience,
[38:10] expectations for them, and they try to reason with them the same way they would with an adult, but they're Not. They're not adults. They're kids. And depending on where they are, age wise, developmentally, to your point,
[38:20] the way that we approach them, the way that we talk to them, the way we think about these things needs to,
[38:26] you know, change with them based on where they're at.
[38:30] Lindsay Miller: Yeah, that's such a great point. Yeah, for sure.
[38:34] Christi Gmyr: Wow. Well, thank you. This has really been very great. I mean, I really have loved this. Before we do leave for the day, I'm wondering, so where can listeners go to learn more about you and your work?
[38:46] Lindsay Miller: Yeah, thanks for. For asking. It's. My website is thestressnanny.com my podcast is the Stress Nanny, and I'm hestressnanny on Instagram.
[38:55] Christi Gmyr: Okay, great. And I will, of course, as always, make sure that that is included in the show notes for anybody who wants to learn more about Lindsay.
[39:04] Um, so if you could leave the listeners, you know, with one final message, one final piece of advice before we wrap up for today, what would it be?
[39:13] Lindsay Miller: I think it would be to find a time where you can just take those couple of minutes to breathe. When I first started meditation, I would sit by my bed for two minutes.
[39:23] I thought it was kind of dumb,
[39:24] but I would say, okay, I'm gonna give it two minutes a night, and I'm, you know, to see what happens.
[39:30] Um, and it's really incredible, you know this, right? But it's really incredible how much of a difference that two minutes can make.
[39:37] So whether it's at a stoplight while you're driving, and that's your reminder, or whether you, you know, you can muster a few minutes before you completely fall asleep, you know, standing up, you know, at night, whatever you.[39:49] Whatever you can do to find those two minutes, just give yourself the chance to breathe. Focusing on the breath and allowing your presence and, like, your own intuition to guide you in these interactions.
[40:02] Christi Gmyr: Okay, great. Well, thank you. And thank you again, you know, for being here. As I said before, I imagine you're very busy, and I just. I think that it's so wonderful that you took time out of your day to share this with us.
[40:14] And then, as always, for the moms who are listening, if any of this does resonate, if you found any of these things that we talked about today to be valuable or helpful,
[40:22] please share this podcast with any other moms that you think could maybe use some additional support,
[40:27] because we are all in this together.
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