5 Steps To Overcoming Mom Guilt

If you've ever laid in bed at night replaying everything you didn't do, feeling guilty about the things you had to say, “no” to, questioning whether you're spending enough time with your kids or wondering if you're somehow falling short as a mom, you're not alone.

Mom guilt is one of the most common struggles I hear from working and career-minded moms. Whether it's guilt about working too much, not being patient enough, missing another school event, ordering takeout for dinner again or simply wishing you had more to give, the belief you're falling short in some way can feel absolutely awful.

What makes it especially hard is that there are no easy answers. No matter what you do, it often feels like it's not enough.

Before We Dive In....

Hi! I'm Christi. I'm a Burnout Coach for Moms, a Licensed Mental Health Counselor, a podcast host and a married mom of two incredibly amazing kids who I love to pieces...and who also make me want to pull my hair out.

Let me tell you, when I say I understand what it's like to feel like you're carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders while trying to hold everything together for everyone else, I really mean it. And I also understand that we're working against a system that wasn't built with working moms in mind.

I've been there personally and I've worked with countless women who have been there too.

One thing I've learned is this:

Mom guilt isn't usually about what you've actually done (or haven't done). It's about what you believe you shouldbe doing.

What is Mom Guilt?

Guilt usually comes when we believe we've done something wrong or let somebody down in some way.Mom guilt is simply that same experience applied to parenting.

Maybe you feel guilty because you're working while your child is at daycare. Maybe you feel guilty because work followed you home and you weren't as emotionally present as you wanted to be. Maybe you feel guilty because you lost your patience after an exhausting day.

In each of those situations, your guilt isn't actually about what happened.  It's rooted in your interpretation of what happened...what you're telling yourself about what happened.

The reality is that two moms can experience the exact same situation and walk away feeling completely differently about it. That's because our thoughts (not just our circumstances) shape the way we feel.

Why Working Moms Experience So Much Guilt

Working moms often feel like they're living in two worlds. At work you're thinking about your family. At home you're thinking about work. It's easy to feel like you're never fully present anywhere.

On top of that, so many of us have incredibly high expectations for ourselves. We compare ourselves to other moms. We worry about being judged. We tell ourselves that a “good mom” would have more patience, energy or time.

Social media doesn't help either. It's easy to compare your real life to someone else's highlight reel and convince yourself you're falling behind.

The problem isn't that you're failing. The problem is that you're measuring yourself against impossible standards.

So how do you actually start letting go of mom guilt?

Step #1: Get Clear on What Really Matters to You

One of the best ways to quiet mom guilt is to get really clear on your values.

You can ask yourself questions such as:

• What's most important to you?

• What kind of parent do you want to be?

• What kind of professional do you want to be?

Sometimes our choices mean making sacrifices which can be really hard. When we say yes to one thing, a lot of times it means saying no to something else.

Maybe working means you have to miss an afternoon school event. Maybe saying no to another work project means protecting time with your family.

Neither choice is inherently right or wrong but when your decisions align with your values (and when you're able to remind yourself of those values...your “whys”),it's much easier to accept the trade-offs that come with them.

Step #2: Create Healthy Boundaries

One of the biggest reasons moms experienced guilt is because we keep trying to meet everyone's expectations.

Your employer's, kids', spouse's, family's....and of course your own. Eventually, something has to give.

Healthy boundaries help protect your time, energy and relationships. That might mean setting realistic work hours, or giving yourself permission to say no without feeling like you have to explain or apologize.

Remember, boundaries aren't selfish. They're necessary for protecting ourselves from burnout.

Step #3: Challenge the Thoughts Creating Your Guilt

This is probably the most important step.  Remember what I said earlier. Mom guilt isn't usually about what you've actually done (or haven't done). It's about what you tell yourself about what you've done or haven't done....your beliefs about it.

So often we assume our thoughts are facts and don't stop to question or challenge them. You might think something like, “I'm not spending enough time with my kids” or “A better mom would...” or “I'm letting everyone down.”

But just because you're thinking that doesn't automatically make it true. Sometimes those thoughts are based on unrealistic expectations, comparison or fear of judgment.

Instead of automatically believing every guilty thought that pops into your head, get curious.  Ask yourself questions such as:

• “Is this actually true?”

• “Where did this expectation come from?”

• “Would I say this to another mom I care about?”

• “What are some other ways I could think about this?”

Those questions alone can completely shift your perspective.

Step #4: Remember That Perfection Was Never The Goal

There is no such thing as a perfect parent. Perfection doesn't exist.

Every mom loses her patience sometimes. Every mom makes mistakes. Every mom has days when she wishes she'd handled something differently.

That doesn't mean you're failing. It means you're human.

The goal isn't perfection. The goal is showing up, learning, repairing when needed and continuing to love your children the best you can.

Step #5: Celebrate What You're Already Doing Well

Take a minute to notice what you're doing well. I bet there are a lot of things. Maybe more things than you give yourself credit for.

The bedtime stories. The hugs. The lunches you packed. The conversations in the car.

Those things matter. More than you probably realize.

One of the best ways to overcome guilt is to stop evaluating yourself only by what you haven't done and start recognizing everything you already are doing.

What If the Guilt Doesn't Completely Go Away?

Even after you've done this work, guilt will probably still show up from time to time. That's normal and expected.

When that happens, I want you to remember that it doesn't mean you've failed. It means you're a mom who loves her children more than anything else in the world.

The goal isn't to eliminate guilt forever. The goal is to lessen the weight of the guilt and stop letting it make your decisions for you.

Remember, the question you want to be asking yourself is, "What choice best reflects my values and the kind of mom I want to be?"

You Don't Have to Do This Alone

If you've made it this far, one more thing I want you to know....

You don't have to figure this out on your own.

One of the hardest parts of burnout and motherhood is believing that you have to carry everything by yourself. That asking for help somehow means you're failing or that you should be able to handle it all.

But here's the truth: You were never meant to do this alone.

If you're reading this article, my guess is you've been trying your best to push through, hoping things will eventually get easier on their own. Maybe you've been telling yourself this is just a busy season or that you'll feel better once life slows down. But you deserve more than just getting through each day.

Let me help.

Whether it's accessing my free resources, purchasing one of my self-paced digital courses or e-books, or signing up for one-on-one coaching sessions for personalized support and accountability, my goal is to help you feel supported, reconnect with yourself and remember that you don't have to carry the weight of the world by yourself anymore.

Whether you're ready to jump in with both feet or simply take one small step today, I'll meet you where you are.

Visit my website HERE to learn about all the ways I can help you.

From mom to mom, please remember you are not alone and I'm always cheering you on.

xoxo,

Christi